university: the myth, the legend and the lie

my love and hate relationship with uni, struggles with my identity and feeling like Connell Waldron when he was at Trinity

When I was sixteen, I couldn’t wait to start university.

I remember watching non-stop “Day in the Life of a uni Student” videos on TikTok and rushing to my Pinterest board to brainstorm outfits. Like a child eager to open presents on Christmas Day, I ran to join the uni group chats, full of anticipation.

Although I was staying in London for uni (already warned by family and friends that this would be a mistake), I decided that I was going to make the most of my experience.

I didn’t care what anybody had to say.

University in London would be great, and I would make new friends, friends that I would have for life.

I was ready to study Digital Marketing, which would have surprised sixteen-year-old me who was determined to attend UAL, studying Fashion Design amongst the greatest young talents in the fashion industry.

However, four months into my first year of university, I find myself confused and constantly looking in the mirror to confirm my identity. I think about Connell Waldron from Normal People and his struggles to fit into university.

I don’t know who I am, and I don’t know what I want. I feel like I've been thrown back in time, trapped in my thirteen-year-old body—crippled by insecurity, rotting from the inside out.

I think about money constantly, as it invades my every thought. I reminisce over my time at fashion college, and I wonder if choosing Digital Marketing, if choosing London, and if choosing the safe option were all mistakes.

Connell Waldron From Normal People

My first semester of university was decent to say the least. I went to my classes and had similar schedules to the friends I had made during Freshers Week (the welcome period for new students starting at university), so I wasn’t completely alone.

However, I didn't feel like myself during the two-hour breaks between classes and in large group settings. I would scroll on my phone and refresh my Snapchat, desperately craving for a notification to pop up on my screen to distract myself from the awkwardness in the room.

This awkwardness and discomfort were painful to live with as I am a big extrovert. I love people, especially meeting new people, and I converse with strangers daily on the tube. I love texting friends and listening to the ten voice notes that they send, which update me on their crazy lives.

Under the shelter of each other, people survive, right?

So why was I struggling to connect with people so much? Why did I not feel like myself when talking? I'm exhausted from constantly performing for others, from shrinking myself just to be more relatable. This took a big blow to my confidence, and to this day, I’m still trying to heal.

During my identity crisis, I also got the grade back from my first uni essay. I did terribly. I barely passed.

Surprisingly, most of the class struggled, and the grades were similar, except for a few people who got seventy percent and above. (For my lovely readers outside of the UK, 70% or higher grade in a UK university is a First-Class Honours, so you can only understand my disappointment).

I was so ashamed of myself. I expressed my anger in my journal, wrote countless pages of ranting, and smudged ink from tears that fell on the pages as I wrote. This was the first academic essay that I’d written in over two years, and I completely flunked it.

I didn’t know how to process these emotions, so I re-read some of my favourite quotes from Tennis Lessons by Susannah Dickey. This is one of my favourite books and highlights the discomfort of adolescence and the pain of growing up in the most devastatingly beautiful way. I recommend this book to everyone I know, and I highly recommend that you pick it up; it is incredible.

Tennis Lessons by Susannah Dickey

Some quotes from the book:

“You’re exhausting sometimes, you know?” You let your eyes close, lethargic. “I know.” You want to cry. You swallow again and think about speaking. — Tennis Lessons

“You wonder how you wound up here, in this position, already. Your grades never improved as you thought they would, and at some point, you stopped being the person who could make a teacher laugh, who was allowed to crochet with coloured wool while the other students went through solutions to math problems you had already solved.” — Tennis Lessons

Desperately needing more comfort, I went to social media looking for refuge and found that many people felt this way. Immediately, I felt seen and had a sudden urge to cry. I wasn’t alone in my feelings. This feeling of discomfort… however you want to call it, can be defined in multiple ways, but on TikTok, it was mainly referred to as ‘The Connell Waldron Experience’.

When we go through something awful, when we are grieving a potential life or opportunity that we could have lived, we often look at ourselves to blame. We beat ourselves up and constantly wish that we could turn back time.

Unfortunately, we do not get granted wishes from a genie in a bottle. We have to live with the reality that we are in and find ways to make it less painful.

We have to find the silver lining somewhere, but how?

It took a while, but things are slowly getting better. I got closer to a few of my university friends. We go out a lot after classes and spend lots of time together. It makes me happy, and I’m glad that I have them in my life.

I started a new semester last week with new modules. The modules are interesting, but the teaching is horrible, so I guess I’ll have to do a lot of the work myself.

I still dislike university, but I’ve accepted that fact rather than trying to ignore it. I opened up to my childhood friends about my struggles adapting to uni and cried again.

To de-stress, I journal daily and listen to podcasts in the morning instead of doom-scrolling.

I’m adjusting and learning to be kinder to myself because it’s my first time living life. It’s my first time going to university. I don’t know how to do this. I’ve never done it before, but I will try like hell to feel like myself again.

University will be different for everyone. My friends love it and are having the best time, whereas I feel I’m being forced into a box, picking a new character to perform on stage.

I can’t answer for sure if things will be okay or if things will get better, but what I do know is that I’m taking care of myself and prioritising my mental health.

Writing about this makes it feel more real and gives me hope that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

I cannot come and suffer all in the name of a degree. I rebuke it.

To anyone who’s struggling—I see you, hear you, and feel your pain. You are not alone, no matter how heavy the darkness feels.

Stay tuned for future posts on The Playground of Ideas. Feel free to stay connected with me on TikTok, Instagram and YouTube, where I will post videos very soon.

I love you all; please take care of yourselves.

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